The Satirical Premier League Season…August

How the first month of the Premier League should have gone…

August

  •  Having sold Robin Van Persie to Manchester United, Arsenal have announced an official end to their partnership with Manchester City as their official feeder club. City’s demand for first refusal on all the Gunners’ players was rejected after Arsenal were only offered a picture of the Premier League trophy to remind them what it looks like.
  •  Meanwhile, the Gunners had to undergo a hasty rebranding of the club’s identity after Van Persie’s exit. They had planned to rename the team ‘The Robin Van Persie XI’ following his one-man efforts last season. Although Arsene Wenger stopped short of admitting that Arsenal would have only taken to the pitch with Van Persie on the pitch for the new season, he did admit his departure left him with 11 holes to fill in the team.
  •  Despite Manchester City winning the Community Shield against Chelsea by three goals to two, John Terry is spotted wrestling the trophy off skipper Vincent Kompany in full City kit, including shin pads. As Kompany goes to raise the trophy aloft, Terry nips in, grabs it out of his hands and raises it triumphantly to the whole stadium before embarking on a lap of honour with all the City players chasing him.
  •  Wigan manager Roberto Martinez reunites former England front pair Michael Owen and Emile Heskey in his desperation for new signings. The move works well in the first game against Chelsea as Owen grabs a double from two Heskey knock downs, but Big Emile sets a few unwanted Premiership records having been caught offside a record 46 times and hit the corner flag with 7 stray shots.
  • Everton manager David Moyes gets annoyed with the press after his team remain unbeaten during August thanks to Moyes deploying the 4-6-0 formation that Spain used in the Euros. After newspapers congratulated the Scot on copying Vicente Del Bosque’s tactics, Moyes loses his temper, replying that he hasn’t played or even bought a capable striker for the best part of six years now and no one ever gave him any recognition for that.
  •  Chelsea have had to refund their fans who watched their first home game of the season with Reading. Boss Roberto Di Matteo forgot that in the Premier League, the game is decided after 90 minutes and not on penalties. This meant his tactic of placing all 11 men on the line and allowing Reading to have the ball all game didn’t work and the Blues were booed off by a disgruntled Stamford Bridge crowd.
  • Luis Suarez is in trouble with the FA again after running up to the referee and yelling ‘Bellend’ in his face 15 times. Suarez pleaded his innocence when questioned by the authorities, explaining that in Uruguay, ‘bellenda’ was a slang term they used for corner and that he thought Liverpool had won a corner. However, he couldn’t explain the jerking movements he made with his hand in the nether regions of his waist, simply starting to say ‘In my country, it means…’ before stopping and accepting his punishment.

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