Top 10 Footballing Jokes

This article is what it says on the tin. The Top 10 Footballing Jokes provide a little light afternoon entertainment:

  1. I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said.
    “Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
    “Fine,” I said, “I want to die when Arsenal win a trophy.”
    “You crafty bastard!” said the fairy.

 

  1. I bumped into Sian Massey in the street today. I said, “Are you aware of the uproar caused after you officiated at the Liverpool v Wolves game? I mean, two Sky Sports pundits were…”
    “Yeah yeah,” she interrupted. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
    So I explained the offside rule.

 

  1. Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world.
    That honour now goes to Manchester City.

 

  1.  Liverpool have signed a new striker from Nigeria.
    On his first day of training, Kenny Dalglish picked up the ball and said ‘BALL’ then pointed at the goal and said ‘Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said ‘Kick’ understand, ‘Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!’
    Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say “Excuse me Mr Dalglish but I speak very good English”         
      Dalglish replies ‘ Sit down son, I’m talking to Andy Carroll.’

 

  1. How many Wigan Athletic fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Both of them.

 

  1. It’s Fabio Capello’s first day as England manager and he walks into the showers and sees a large poo on the floor. He goes straight to the dressing room to confront the players and asks “who’s sh*t on the floor?”
    At which point Peter Crouch sticks his hand up and says “yeah, but I’m good in the air!” 

 

  1. Just watched Emile Heskey rattle in seven goals on Sky Sports.
    It was a career montage.

 

  1. After much speculation that he was going to leave United, Wayne Rooney kissed his badge during today’s Manchester derby to show his loyalty to the club.
    A bit like when he kisses his wife before he goes to see a prostitute.

 

9.   What’s the difference between Jose Mourinho and God?
God doesn’t think he’s Jose Mourinho

 

10. What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?

             45,000 more Man United fans

Please feel free to add your own in the comments section.

 

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