The Satirical Sporting Week



Nicklas Bendtner has apologised having been arrested with teammate Lee Cattermole in Newcastle City Centre following an incident on Thursday. Bendtner said: “I’m really sorry. Because I’m the best player in the world I can literally get away with anything I want. Even the police can’t handle me. I’m just so damn good that everyone absolutely loves me, but I guess I had to slip up once in my career.” Police refused to confirm reports Nicklas cried like a little girl when in his cell for the night.

Darren Fletcher has taken a leave of absence from Manchester United and Scotland following a bout of illness. He said “I’m finally going to take some time away to get rid of this illness once and for all. It’s really hampering my ability to play at the top of my ability. And yes, I can confirm I have had this illness since the start of my career, which is why I’m literally useless. But it isn’t true that one of the side effects involves me disappearing during a match, as you have seen on so many occasions.”

Arsenal have finally admitted the title race is over for another season. Wenger, after defeat to Man City, spoke in a press conference: “There is no point carrying on this façade till April like I do every year. We are out of the title race. I don’t know why I didn’t just say this at the start of the season when I made all those pointless signings. We have never stood any chance of winning the League. Ever. Now excuse me while I just pop upstairs to finalise Robin Van Persie’s move to Manchester City.”


Shane Warne’s comeback ended in defeat after his Melbourne Stars side were hammered by Sydney Thunder. After the game, Shane was spotted on the balcony, cigar in hand, burger in the other saying: “It’s only cricket mate. Gee, you think I care about winning a poxy game like that. I’m 42, a poker superstar, I’m smashing Liz Hurley and you should see my pay cheque after that game. Oh, and my hair’s growing back.”


The British Olympic Association has opened the doors to Dwain Chambers if his lifetime Olympic ban is overturned. A spokesman explained the situation: “To be honest, we don’t really care about pride or dignity and really, really want to do well at London 2012. If this means picking people who are obvious cheats then so be it. Our other sprinters are rubbish. We’ve even started a policy of handing out steroids by the spoonful to Olympic hopefuls as let’s be honest, when the Olympics costs over a billion quid, the public need to see some home gold medals.”

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