The Satirical Sporting Week

Football

The FA have announced rule changes regarding the awarding of red cards to Premiership players. Any fouls made within your own half will now result in a sending off, as highlighted by Gary Cahill’s challenge against Tottenham. A spokesman said “any challenge made inside your own half represents the prevention of a valid goal-scoring opportunity and thus must be punished accordingly.” Unfortunately Mike Dean missed the memo from his employers, therefore explaining why he failed to send off David Luiz in Chelsea’s clash with Newcastle.

Nike are to stop handing out their match balls after players score a hat-trick given the weekends’ events. The reason for this was explained by the Nike Headquarters yesterday: “We believe the image of our company is damaged by handing out match balls to players that score hat tricks. When a player as terrible as Yakubu can bag three goals, it’s time to stop rewarding this feat. Nobody wants Nike’s name tarred by having such useless players take home their balls, and if someone like Yakubu can score three goals, we really think the Premiership should consider increasing the number of goals it takes to get a hat-trick.”

Footballers are to wear shoulder pads with immediate effect. Following Mario Balotelli’s goal against Norwich, it is predicted there will be a vast rise in players using their shoulder to score a goal. Gary Lineker said on Match of the Day: ‘Everyone saw how cool Balotelli looked when he knocked the ball in using his shoulder and they will now try and copy it.” Physios are concerned such activity could cause injury to the offending limb and the shoulder pads are therefore designed like American Football clothing to prevent such happenings. Experts say this fashion trend will prove as popular as last year’s snood.

Boxing

 David Haye has announced he will come out of retirement to secure a fight against Vitali Klitschko. He admitted the decision was not to down to personal ambition, but more financial desires. Haye said on national TV: “I may as well admit the reasons for wanting to fight Vitali. I need more money. I’m not even one of boxing’s richest men. I have only have 1 Siberian Tiger whereas even Mike Tyson had 2 and he’s ancient. He also got a part in the Hangover. Having this fight will definitely massage my giant ego and I get to talk a load of rubbish about a fighter whose clearly better than me for six months again so people will buy my fight. Plus, I surely can’t be as bad as I was against his brother. Not sure if you noticed, but I was shit beyond belief.”

Rugby Union

 Shane Williams has revealed the real reason behind his decision to retire from rugby. Although he believes he is still good enough to play for Wales on a regular basis, he has been enthused by other opportunities. Shane said after his final match against Australia: “To be honest with you, I’ve been really inspired by Warwick Davis’ programme ‘Life’s Too Short.’ As most of you know, I’m only 5ft 7in, so I believe there could be a career out there for me as a professional dwarf. If Warwick is watching, I advise him to get in contact. I also do an awesome somersault as displayed on Saturday.” It is thought Shane will now become an ambassador for dwarves playing Rugby much in the same way Gareth Thomas does for the gays.

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