The Satirical Sporting Weekend

Football

Sir Alex Ferguson was left fuming after his side were held to a draw following a ridiculous penalty decision from referee Mike Jones.Ferguson raged after the game: “What’s the point in criticising the officials every week if they still don’t give us the decisions I want. I finally give Rio Ferdinand a game and this is how the FA repays me. Ridiculous. And they only gave me 4 minutes of injury time to try and win the match.”

Meanwhile Mario Balotelli was sent off for the third time in his City career, following 2 yellow cards in 18 minutes after coming on as a substitute. Sources close to the Italian say he was eager to go and get an early bath to try and wash the new blonde highlights out of his hair before the rest of the team got in. He was fortunate the dye he used was only semi-permanent, hence the need to get rid of it as quickly as possible.

Steve Bruce was left upset following abuse from supporters after their home defeat against Wigan. “It’s not easy when your family are here and you’re abused like that. My face doesn’t actually look like someone’s smashed it in with a shovel and I didn’t actually buy my suit from Jacamo. I’m shocked and hurt.”

Formula One

The world of racing is in uproar after Mark Webber beat teammate Sebastian Vettel at the final Grand Prix of the season in Brazil. Bookmakers claim the result must have fixed, given the fact that Vettel failed to come first. A certain energy drinks manufacturer are said to have placed a bet reaching into the millions on Webber to win, earning them an absolute fortune. Organisers are considering repeating the race to ensure a Vettel victory.

Tennis

The World Tennis Association are considering handing Roger Federer another trophy to go with his victory in the ATP World Tour Final. They are delighted with the way Roger cried for under 10 seconds after winning a major title, showing a significant improvement on previous events. They believe his efforts in trying to man up a bit deserve significant recognition.

Rugby Union

The RFU are taking legal action against Sam Tomkins and Wigan Warriors after he produced a performance of mediocre quality in his one-off appearance for the Barbarians against Australia. They say that they only selected him to play to show how shit Rugby League actually is and that in this respect he is a considerable let down. A spokesman for the RFU said: “We are disappointed with Sam’s actions on Saturday. He made all his tackles, actually managed to catch and pass unlike the real Union players and even had the cheek to score a try. Now people might think Rugby League is a real sport.”

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