The Whiny Little Bitch Top Ten

Footballers are notoriously hard to please. Whether it’s because they don’t get selected every week, or they don’t get the extra £30,000 a week on a new contract they want, everyday we hear how hard the life of the top stars are. This has increased with the players’ discovery of social media, who’d have thought Joey Barton knew how to read, let alone tweet intellectual thoughts on the likes of Brunel and George Orwell. Here are the top ten whiniest people in football:

  1. Nicholas Anelka – It is only appropriate to start with a man nicknamed ‘Le Sulk.’ He has whinged his way round 8 top clubs, complaining about anything and everything he can think of, whilst often sporting a brow so wrinkled; you could fit a deck of playing cards in it. In fact, he just announced his intention to leave Chelsea at the end of the season, after a perceived lack of game time. This only comes as a shock because Anelka has changed tack from the least 2 years, which he has spent moaning about being played out of position instead. Other famous Anelka strops include his penalty miss in the Champions Final of 2008, blaming Avram Grant, for not giving him enough time on the pitch, or a proper warm up before coming on as a late substitute. We all know Grant is a terrible manager, but even he can’t coach a player to fluff a penalty as bad as Anelka did. Then came the 18 match international ban after a clash with Raymond Domenech during the 2010 World Cup. When Anelka heard of the suspension, he said he ‘died with laughter.’ A pity no-one was there to see this, as it would be the first time in living memory ‘Le Sulk’ could be seen laughing.
  1. Neil Warnock – My disappointment at QPR’s promotion last season stemmed not from any personal vendetta towards the club, but more the fact that I’d have listen to Mr Warnock’s post match conferences on Match of the Day all season. During his spell in the Premiership with Sheffield United, he made as many complaints as the BBC receive every time Jeremy Clarkson opens his big, fat mouth on Top Gear. Indeed, if Sheffield United had been awarded as many penalties as Warnock demanded, then they’d have won every game by at least 10 goals. His whiniest moment came after the Blades’ relegation, when he demanded compensation from the FA after West Ham were adjudged to have illegally brought Javier Mascherano, (not such a good buy) and Carlos Tevez, (who, in fairness, practically single-handedly kept the Hammers up) to the Premier League. None was forthcoming, and Warnock pursued a vendetta against the striker for years, claiming he destabilised his career and cost him earnings. Get a grip. Just because Carlos decided London was a better place to play football than Sheffield. Hardly surprising. Warnock clashed with El Hadji Diouf last year after a bad challenge on Jamie Mackie, calling him a ‘sewer rat and a nasty little person.’ Pot, kettle, black.
  1. Chris Sutton – Not the first person you’d think of when dreaming up this list, but Sutton has had a fairer share of moans than most. Some were merely petty, such as accusing Dunfermline of ‘lying down’ in 2003 to prevent Celtic from winning the title. He didn’t exactly take Chelsea’s decision to test him at centre back after a £10million move lightly either, voicing his very loud opinion to anyone who decided to listen. His finest hour came when Glenn Hoddle selected him to play for England B against Chile B in 1998. His relationship with the England manager was already at breaking point, after Sutton criticised the decision to leave him out a World Cup qualifier with Moldova, and upon hearing the news he had been picked for the B team, Sutton pulled out, effectively ending his international career. Given that most people would have given their left arm for the chance to pull on the Three Lions, I can’t think of many printable words that describe my opinion of Chris Sutton.
  1. William Gallas – Another Frenchman to make the list, now there’s a surprise. Gallas made a decent impact on his initial move to the Premiership, helping Chelsea to back-to-back Premiership titles. However, John Terry and Ricardo Carvalho’s blossoming partnership in defense meant Gallas was pushed out to left back more often than not, something that upset him immensely, despite regular first team football. He refused to sign a new contract, and then didn’t return to training after the 2006 World Cup, threatening to score own goals if Chelsea did not let him leave. Instead Chelsea traded one scumbag for another, swapping him for Ashley Cole. In 2008 though, Gallas displayed the biggest sign of petulance on a football field ever. After Arsenal conceded an injury time penalty against Birmingham, Gallas walked into the opposition half in apparent protest, before being restrained after confronting the crowd in fury. He then performed his own sit down protest in the middle of the pitch after the game. Who does he think he is, Martin Luther King?
  1. Nicholas Bendtner – So full of waffle, he could fill not just one hot air balloon, but a whole fleet. After spending the last 4 years telling us just how good he is and that Arsene Wenger should play him every minute of every game, Nicholas has finally done what he’s been threatening to do for a long time. Leave Arsenal for regular football. But he hasn’t gone to one of Europe’s top clubs as he promised was going to happen. Nope, he’s joined Sunderland. Where I expect Frazier Campbell will keep him out of the first team. As Bendtner is next to terrible. Or worse than terrible. I can’t decide. He says he’s not going back to Arsenal ever, a revelation I’m guessing caused a bigger celebration at the Emirates than the last time Arsenal won a trophy (though admittedly, that was so long ago I can’t remember what the celebrations were like.) The Dane is so in love with himself, I’m surprised he hasn’t decided he’s the right man to lead the world out of the economic depression and quit football altogether. If there was a prize for the world’s most deluded human being, Nicholas Bendtner would undoubtedly be number one.
  1. Sir Alex Ferguson – What? Come on ref, how on earth can there be 7 minutes of stoppage time? None of our players have even been injured! Oh wait, we’re drawing 1-1 at Old Trafford and Fergie is fixing the 4th official with one of his famous stares, until he crumbles, giving Manchester United enough extra time to find a winner. Which they often get. Lets be honest, this is such a frequent happening in United games, it is now famously known as ‘Fergie Time.’ Just rewards then for Sir Alex, who has spent the best part of two decades complaining about the Premier League’s officials in order to intimidate them into United favouritism. Have you ever seen a penalty for the away team at Old Trafford? Indeed most of his whinges have been directed at referees, he has as about as much respect for them as the News of the World does for people’s privacy. Although referees get it in the neck more than most, there aren’t many subjects Sir Alex doesn’t complain about. In fact you could do a top ten of Sir Alex’s moaning topics. The fixture list, the F.A, the B.B.C, other managers, other teams, other players and even his own players are regular features Sir Alex criticises in public. Looking at this list, it won’t just be the opposition fans glad to see him retire, whenever that may be.
  1. Carlos Tevez – Is there anyone in football who, this summer, hasn’t wanted to give Carlos Tevez a slap across the face. For the love of God, please just shut up. Alright, we can sympathise about the fact you have to live in Manchester, but at least you get paid a six figure salary for it. Others have to do it for free. After a terrific debut season for City, where he became the darling of the blue half of the city, Tevez, the club captain, announces yet again he wants a transfer. Shock horror. He’s done this more times than he’s made career appearances. His reasons for leaving this time bordered on the ridiculous. Manchester is boring. Manchester is expensive. The weather is terrible (fair point.) He went as far to say “I’m never going back to Manchester, not even on holiday, not for anything,” after claiming he had no friends. I wonder why. Tevez then denied saying all of this, before claiming the real reason he wanted to leave City was to be closer to his family. Sympathy immediately rose for the Argentine from all you family loving souls out there, until Tevez stated this place so close to his family would be Milan, which is in fact, on paper, 23 miles further away from his hometown in Argentina. His reward for all this moaning and groaning? Not a dream move to Europe’s elite (no-one was willing to stump up the cash funnily enough) but instead a move to the Manchester Citybench after being stripped of the captaincy. Hero to Zero.
  1. Hossam Ghaly – One incident during his spell at Tottenham has given him a reputation for throwing almighty tantrums. After coming on as a substitute during a Premiership match with Blackburn in 2007, Ghaly himself was taken off, throwing an almighty strop in the process. A strop wasn’t the only thing he threw as he launched his shirt towards the bench in anger, a move that incensed Spurs’ fans so much, they repeatedly sang ‘You’re not fit to wear the shirt’ at the Egyptian when he next warmed on the Spurs sideline. After this incident, Ghaly was never to play for the club again, as finally some retribution was handed out to the players who think throwing their toys out of the pram is acceptable.
  1. Cristiano Ronaldo – The world’s most expensive footballer, but Crikey Moses, doesn’t he know it! I wouldn’t want to misplace a pass to Ronaldo, that’s for sure, as the death stare he gives anyone not up to his standards could turn you to stone. It’s no wonder Ronaldo has scored so many goals during his career, would anyone dare not give him the ball if he was anywhere near the opposition penalty box? Whilst his treatment of fellow players is poor, he doesn’t exactly give his managers an easy time either. Take his behavior in the 2009 Manchester derby after being substituted. He snatched his track suit from the kit man and threw it to the ground, prompting criticism from many former United players about his attitude. After all, it wasn’t exactly the first display of petulance from the Portuguese superstar. Luis Figo was quick to criticise him after Ronaldo was accused of spitting at a cameraman after last summer’s World Cup exit to Spain and slagging off coach Carlos Queiroz’s tactics. It appears his personality is as spiky as his over zealous barnet.
  2. Roy Keane – The feisty Irishman loves a good tantrum, and some of his rants have been legendary over the years. Whether it was tearing into his Manchester United team-mates, most famously on MUTV when he decided 7 players weren’t up to scratch, with his most fearsome criticism saved for Rio Ferdinand, when he ranted  “Just because you are paid £120,000-a-week and play well for 20 minutes against Tottenham, you think you are a superstar.” Nicely put Roy. Then he decided United’s support needed geeing up, branding them the ‘prawn sandwich’ brigade, stating “I don’t think some of the people who come to Old Trafford can spell ‘football’, never mind understand it.” His act of petulance in breaking Alfie Inge Haaland’s leg in revenge for an incident that took place five years early proved Keane was more mental than a night out with Charlie Sheen, but his greatest strop was reserved for the 2002 World Cup, when he stormed home from Ireland’s training camp. His stinging description of Mick McCarthy went like this: Mick, you’re a liar… you’re a fucking wanker. I didn’t rate you as a player, I don’t rate you as a manager, and I don’t rate you as a person. You’re a fucking wanker and you can stick your World Cup up your arse. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are the manager of my country! You can stick it up your bollocks.” All because the training ground had a few potholes in. Combine a whiner with a nutcase, and Roy Keane is the result.

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