I predict a diet, the 10 Fattest Footballers

So Britain has a weight problem. We all know that. The question is, does this translate to our national team, hindering our ability to win national tournaments? Are our players overweight and unfit… Nah of course not, but here’s the top 10 fattest footballers anyway.

  1. Paul Gascoigne – Ah Gazza, the darling of English football. Or at least he should have been for the best part of a decade given his ability. The only problem was that he was addicted to more things than Amy Winehouse. Name a problem, and Gazza’s had it. Food included. The man even ate a Mars Bar on the pitch when a fan threw it his way. Weight problems were noticeable in his early days, who can forget the fake set of breasts and belly he donned upon England’s return home from 1990. Two decades on and it’s no different. Gazza has been arrested in a number of kebab shops after driving there drunk, presumably for a midnight snack, and now runs his own chicken takeaway service, albeit for on-the-run criminals.
  1. Neville Southall – Whilst hardly a Size 0 model at the height of his superb career, the talismanic Welshman caused a bit of a stir whilst winding down his career at Bradford, a side so bad, Nev clearly decided the best way to guard his goal was to fill it. With his own body. Looking more like a darts player down at his local, he made his only appearance in a defeat to bitter rivals Leeds. Maybe he should have stuck with throwing bull-eyes.
  1. Ronaldo – The World Cup’s top goalscorer of all time with 15, a figure that also matches his weight in stone. Once Cristiano appeared on the scene, Ronaldo Luís Nazário de Lima had to be known as ‘Fat Ronaldo’ so people could tell them apart. Looking more like the doorman from the local nightclub, Ronaldo defied his size with his prodigious skill and his premature retirement was sad for all who love our game. He cited pain and hypothyroidism as reasons for his decision to quit, hypothyroidism more commonly known as having problems with the glands in his neck. Maybe it was too blocked with the food he’d shoved down his throat…
  1. Tomas Brolin – Bound to feature on every list about fat footballers, Brolin set the tone for those footballers with endless talent yet afraid of a salad. Except Brolin had no talent. He defined the word useless. Voted by all Leeds fans as their ‘worst ever signing,’ some mean feat given the tripe filling the Elland Road changing rooms these days, by the time his Leeds career was ended, he resembled a small killer whale in size. The only bonus about the wages Leeds were paying him was that he must have spent them all in the club canteen…
  1. Frank Lampard – ‘Fat Frank’ is his nickname amongst anyone other than Chelsea supporters, and opposition fans often christen him with a resounded chorus of ‘He’s fat, he’s round, his arse trailed round the ground.’ That’s enough to qualify him for this little group of porkers in my opinion. Whilst we all know Lampard isn’t really the fattest player seen in world football, an excuse is however needed, to explain why Lampard stands in the centre circle for England and does absolutely naff all.
  1. Benni McCarthy – The South African’s move to West Ham was so disastrous, he featured just 14 times for the club in all competitions. On the plus side, at least this gave him time to check out London’s fine restaurant selection, and on close inspection, it appears he must have dined in every single one. On his exit, vice chairperson Karren Brady summarised his move as a “big, fat mistake. Rather than the super scorer we hoped for, we acquired a super size, a player devoted to filling his belly more than filling the net.” When this comes from Karren Brady, who is a reasonably sized unit herself, you really must be rather large.
  1. Neil Ruddock – With a reputation as fearsome as Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock, you must have the size to go with the talk. Ruddock was certainly big, but the only six-pack he ever had would be the ones he must have consumed every night to get a beer belly of that size. Rumour has it, he was transfer listed by Swindon after returning to the club after the summer extremely overweight, whilst needing his shorts specially made. I’m guessing the material needed to make those would have covered Swindon’s entire pitch.
  1. Jon Parkin – I can only imagine that Parkin’s nickname of ‘The Beast,’ refers not to his, putting it kindly, mediocre goal scoring record, but his ability in devouring food. Certainly it looks that way, and fans of the teams he has played for appear to appreciate this fact too, regularly chanting ‘Feed the beast and he will score!’ I wouldn’t count on it…Parkin must be an inspiration to all those pub footballers out there, who believe swilling 10 pints of lager and mullering a number of pork pies before a game is ideal preparation. Then again, having read Parkin’s career stats and the quality of the clubs he has appeared for, I wouldn’t advise going down that route…
  1. Mark Viduka – Viduka’s goal scoring record is nothing to scoff at, especially during his time at Leeds. However, scoffing is something Mark looks like he has had plenty of practice at throughout his career, building a body so big, by the time defenders have got round it, Mark has turned and fired the ball in the net. Viduka was often described as a wonderful outlet for the team, superb at holding the ball up and all in all, a terrific target man. I’m not surprised given the size of the target.
  1. John Barnes – What a wonderful player Barnes was in his heyday. 79 caps for England and THAT goal against Brazil. However, he was never pretty to look at. Given how tight-fitting his kit was, it’s a wonder he didn’t pop out. Since his retirement though, Barnes has grown wider than he is tall, culminating in an advert for Mars where he performed his famous rap. Hardly surprising they gave him the gig, probably a reward for the amount of Mars Bars he’s consumed lately, a number I’d imagine totals more than Barnesy’s entire career appearances.

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